If feels fucking good to sweat so much in the gym!
Boo-ya!
Baking is a team sport!
17 hours ago
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Bloggity blog blog
For the first time in a long time, I don't feel as though I have much to say.
For the second time this year, I missed weigh in due to a 2 day snow storm. Officially, 43 cms, but in my driveway there was so much more. I need to keep an eye on the weather report for the next few weeks.
I've had a good week. I went to the gym 4 times. Still keeping up with the 12 week no fast food challenge. Although I did have a sandwich and a salad from a sandwich shop, but it was made low point in front of me.
Hmm, what else? Not much. Studying.
I have not set monthly or weekly goals for February. Nor am I planning food. This is part of my homework for binge eating counseling. I'm trying to be okay with this. Rationally, I understand that by not placing restrictions and allowing myself to learn what should be normal for me is a good thing.
I'm having trouble letting go of trying to be OP every day. I am still keeping track of food but not counting points and that is scary. I'm afraid I'm going to gain a pile of weight when in reality what I actually want is a lot of oatmeal and eggs.
Oh look, I did have something to say!
For the second time this year, I missed weigh in due to a 2 day snow storm. Officially, 43 cms, but in my driveway there was so much more. I need to keep an eye on the weather report for the next few weeks.
I've had a good week. I went to the gym 4 times. Still keeping up with the 12 week no fast food challenge. Although I did have a sandwich and a salad from a sandwich shop, but it was made low point in front of me.
Hmm, what else? Not much. Studying.
I have not set monthly or weekly goals for February. Nor am I planning food. This is part of my homework for binge eating counseling. I'm trying to be okay with this. Rationally, I understand that by not placing restrictions and allowing myself to learn what should be normal for me is a good thing.
I'm having trouble letting go of trying to be OP every day. I am still keeping track of food but not counting points and that is scary. I'm afraid I'm going to gain a pile of weight when in reality what I actually want is a lot of oatmeal and eggs.
Oh look, I did have something to say!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Everyone Look at ME!
Oh yay! One of those weeks where despite my best effort, I am indeedeee do the centre of attention.
First off, we had a team building exercise at work. I had to stand in front of everyone and they had to look at me for one minute and then each person had to describe one thing about me. They were kind and no one even broached my size or weight. Actually, they were really kind but just being under scrutiny like that was horrible. Most brutal 10 minutes of my week.
Or so I thought.
I had orientation at the gym. I was late 10 minutes lase, thinking I was 20 minutes early because I had the times missed up. So, I instantly became her gunea pig.
*Cue flashback to junior high gym class.*
The teacher, because you know I had the same gym teacher for all three years, would make me do the exercise in front of everyone because if Blueberry can do it, everyone else in the class can. Oh yes, she would actually say this out loud in class so all the other students could hear. I loathed gym class which lead to a loathing of exercise in general. A couple of years ago, I actually had a woman contact me that I haven't seen since high school, and tell me she was thinking about me and how horrible she would feel for me every gym class. Of course, I never complained about it because it was embarrassing and humiliating, moreso because it was the teacher bullying me not the kids as per usual. Sigh, I feel like I'm always complaining on this blog, but I'm able to put things out here that I can't tell anyone else.
But I digress. Every single piece of equipment, she pointed at me to do. So everyone in the group of strangers was watching me use the equipment, watching me adjust things for my size and watching it be readjusted for the regular sized people.
I think on the first piece of equipment, she was thinking I couldn't.
I could.
I'm fat but I have muscles. Aside from the whole injury, I've been exercising fairly consistently for the past few years. So, unlike junior high, I was actually capable of doing it.
The real problem, which I'm just realizing after writing all of this, is why can't I say no. I don't have to do things just because people say so. I am always afraid to be disagreeable, afraid of what? afraid that no one will like me?
First off, we had a team building exercise at work. I had to stand in front of everyone and they had to look at me for one minute and then each person had to describe one thing about me. They were kind and no one even broached my size or weight. Actually, they were really kind but just being under scrutiny like that was horrible. Most brutal 10 minutes of my week.
Or so I thought.
I had orientation at the gym. I was late 10 minutes lase, thinking I was 20 minutes early because I had the times missed up. So, I instantly became her gunea pig.
*Cue flashback to junior high gym class.*
The teacher, because you know I had the same gym teacher for all three years, would make me do the exercise in front of everyone because if Blueberry can do it, everyone else in the class can. Oh yes, she would actually say this out loud in class so all the other students could hear. I loathed gym class which lead to a loathing of exercise in general. A couple of years ago, I actually had a woman contact me that I haven't seen since high school, and tell me she was thinking about me and how horrible she would feel for me every gym class. Of course, I never complained about it because it was embarrassing and humiliating, moreso because it was the teacher bullying me not the kids as per usual. Sigh, I feel like I'm always complaining on this blog, but I'm able to put things out here that I can't tell anyone else.
But I digress. Every single piece of equipment, she pointed at me to do. So everyone in the group of strangers was watching me use the equipment, watching me adjust things for my size and watching it be readjusted for the regular sized people.
I think on the first piece of equipment, she was thinking I couldn't.
I could.
I'm fat but I have muscles. Aside from the whole injury, I've been exercising fairly consistently for the past few years. So, unlike junior high, I was actually capable of doing it.
The real problem, which I'm just realizing after writing all of this, is why can't I say no. I don't have to do things just because people say so. I am always afraid to be disagreeable, afraid of what? afraid that no one will like me?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Happy 101 Award from Nic
So the rules are this:
1. Tell you 10 things that make me happy. I'm going to interpret this as not being people :)
2. Do one of them today
3. Pass it along to my bloggy friends.Ten Things That Make Me Happy In No Particular Order
1) Music. Music. Music. I <3 Music. I love my fiddles, I love to rock out, I love symphonies, I love hip hop, I love roots, I love all great music across any genre. The only exception being metal:P
2) Reading. I <3 reading, literature in particular but will read all and anything in front of me.
3) The woods. I grew up in the woods. I am most calm and still in the woods by myself.
4) Waterfalls, rivers, streams, springs, flowing water. In my woods, I grew up next to a river outside my bedroom window. I miss the sound of rush of water after a rainfall or the trickle of water under the ice when the rest of the world is asleep.
5) There is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, like skating on black pond ice in the woods. The type of ice that freezes hard and fast without a build up layers of snow or frost. The type of ice that is so black you think you are skating on the night sky. Surrounded by nothing by sky, ice and trees, the sound of the blades cutting the ice and echoing off the hills with no other sound but the wind rushing off your body as you fly. This, this is bliss.
6) The ww boards and these blogs make me smile and laugh.
7) Dancing, I am neither graceful nor bold enough to dance in front of others while sober, but I love dancing around my house.
8) Manicures, pedicures and facials. There is nothing like a bit of self pampering.
9) The North Atlantic. I am truly grateful to God that I get to see and hear that ocean every single day.
I park on the wharf and hear the moorings creaking, the boats bobbing back and forth and the smell of the salt air mixed with pine. The cliffs raising out of the water and it is breathtaking, awe inspiring, and home. Yet every single morning when I see that ocean no matter it's mood, stormy & grey, choppy, deep blue, I am awestruck and grateful that I live in such a place.
10) My house, as humble as it may be and as much work as it may need, I am happy and proud that I'm able to have my own home.
Pass It Along To My Bloggy Friends
1) Going For Goal who truly is going for her goals and inspiring us all along the way.
2) SephGirl who welcomed me into this online world and has been encouraging me ever since.
3) Katie who's passion is contagious.
4) MeFirst who is so unbelievably sweet and kind.
5) NotMeCD aka Canadian Dot who has such an incredible enthusiasm and joy for life.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Gym
I have an appointment in 40 minutes. I think I am going to be sick. Gah. Why do they have to sound so perky on the phone? I bet she is 104lbs and happy happy happy. I may have to sit on her :(
I just keep reminding myself it took over 5 months and numerous trips to the pool before I would even go through the doors and then I loved it, until it attacked me.
Okay, I have to go. They have my name and number. They will call if I am not there and boy oh boy, those gym bunnies are little but they are relentless. I should explain, that my other gym was very small and I had reinforcements with me the whole time last summer. Now, no friends and no comforting environment and I have to go be the fattest person they've probably seen waddle through the doors.
Have I mentioned GAH??? I think I'm going to be sick. I keep reminding myself, that it is a business and they want me there as a new paying customer. Revenue is good Blueberry, revenue is good.
I went. And I brought you all with me, but what made me go through the doors was GoingForGoals'
workouts and her ongoing inspiring transformation into an athlete.
Right off the bat, I hate the entrance because you have enter via the deli of one of the busiest supermarkets in the city. Of course, if you have been reading this blog, you know my fear of both the general public and luncheon meats.
However, once I got inside, it was okay. The staff was friendly and thankfully Miz Perky who answered earlier wasn't there. I didn't feel out of place, there were all sizes working out.
I didn't feel judged and again that whole revenue thing, they are going to do their best to make it a welcoming environment. She even told me there is a side elevator so you don't have to go through the main part of the supermarket. Whew!
Now, after all that fuss, I did not actually work out today. I walked a couple of hours yesterday throughout the day and I need to rest it today. I am going tomorrow and going to attempt 20 minutes. But, however long I manage, that's fine! I've been through the ringer and I need to rebuild my strength and muscles which is going to take however long it takes.
I just keep reminding myself it took over 5 months and numerous trips to the pool before I would even go through the doors and then I loved it, until it attacked me.
Okay, I have to go. They have my name and number. They will call if I am not there and boy oh boy, those gym bunnies are little but they are relentless. I should explain, that my other gym was very small and I had reinforcements with me the whole time last summer. Now, no friends and no comforting environment and I have to go be the fattest person they've probably seen waddle through the doors.
Have I mentioned GAH??? I think I'm going to be sick. I keep reminding myself, that it is a business and they want me there as a new paying customer. Revenue is good Blueberry, revenue is good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~interlude~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went. And I brought you all with me, but what made me go through the doors was GoingForGoals'
workouts and her ongoing inspiring transformation into an athlete.
Right off the bat, I hate the entrance because you have enter via the deli of one of the busiest supermarkets in the city. Of course, if you have been reading this blog, you know my fear of both the general public and luncheon meats.
However, once I got inside, it was okay. The staff was friendly and thankfully Miz Perky who answered earlier wasn't there. I didn't feel out of place, there were all sizes working out.
I didn't feel judged and again that whole revenue thing, they are going to do their best to make it a welcoming environment. She even told me there is a side elevator so you don't have to go through the main part of the supermarket. Whew!
Now, after all that fuss, I did not actually work out today. I walked a couple of hours yesterday throughout the day and I need to rest it today. I am going tomorrow and going to attempt 20 minutes. But, however long I manage, that's fine! I've been through the ringer and I need to rebuild my strength and muscles which is going to take however long it takes.
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