The Week of December 5 to December 11, 2009

Warning!  This is going to be long and I'm guessing boring to most of you :)

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail and I've not been planning much for much too long.  This is a breakdown of my week and the known challenges and how I am planning to work around them.    

This week's goals are to simply get through without gaining and without a binge. Although a loss would be lovely.  

The fact that I started the day and week off this morning with cherry cheesecake isn't helpful.  It was one tracked slice.  The rest is gone out of my sight now.  

Tracking and holding myself accountable, no matter what, has to be my number one priority this week.

Today and Sunday, I have to study.  A lot.  I'm not going to move much, not that I can!  Studying makes me hungry.  I want to munch on something all the time.  I am not going to eat and study.  If I want something, I am going to make myself take a break, track and have a snack. 

Sunday, it's either going to be 20 cms of snow or it will turn to rain.  Snow, means I will continue with the studying.  My lovely neighbour came over one day when I was struggling with my cane and bringing groceries in, helped me and told me not to worry about snow this winter.  He has a snow blower and will do my driveway for me.  So sweet, too bad he is married and in his 60s!  I will definitely pay him and if he doesn't let me, which I suspect he won't, I'll be spending the winter buying presents for him!  No snow means, I have to travel a 100 kms for a family dinner.  I will fill up on the veggies and not bread.  

Monday, I have class, a meeting, physio, a few hours break and then a massage.  I've decided that instead of stressing myself out going to work and back in between physio and massage and staying late to make up the time, I'm just going to take some sick leave after the morning meeting.  Plus, it will give me a few more hours of study time!  

Tuesday through to Thursday, I have workshops where breaks and lunches catered.  I can handle breaks, I bring fruit and yogurt.   It's the lunches where you have no or little selection that becomes a problem.  I'm hungry, food is in front of me and I eat.  I have to work really hard at avoiding the bread basket, if I can say no to that, I make better choices.  I sit there and stress so much until the bread is eaten by others.  I know that is slightly demented but I would imagine it is like someone struggling with sobriety having a bottle of wine on the table.  Just as one glass could set someone off, one dinner roll could trigger a month long binge for me.   Of course, when I come home I'll have to study.  

Friday, I have a BIG meeting in the morning.  I'm prepared right now but of course I won't be in the office all week.  I'm sure all the parameters will change but honestly, I'll deal with it on the fly.  Once upon a time, I would fret but now I feel confident enough or maybe its that I know the material enough that I can speak off the cuff and deal with changes at the last minute.   

Friday afternoon, a Christmas party.  To say I don't want to go is a slight exaggeration.  I already have an ally, in the sense that another co-worker is in university and studying for exams too.  We plan on going together, making an appearance and then skiddadling on out of there within an hour!    

I have nothing to wear of course which is contributing to the not wanting to go.  I may have to try to shop Wednesday or Thursday night for at least a new top.  I am so disappointed in myself.  I bought a lovely outfit for the xmas party while on vacation in August.  Something new, different and special.  It was about 10 pounds too small for me.  10 pounds was such a reasonable goal but once again I've failed myself.  I don't have the heart to even try it on now :(  

Writing all that out makes me realize it's manageable if I take it day by day. I felt more than a little overwhelmed looking at my day planner this morning.  I was thinking, oh there is no way I can stay on track this week so I may as well have a slice of cake for breakfast :S

If you are still reading, bless you!    

Weigh In Results

Down 0.9lbs!

I've lost 3 weeks in a row now.  All less than a pound but the point is I've lost 3 in a row.  That hasn't happened in a long time.

The Bad News, The Good News & The Better News

The bad news is that my injury is more severe than originally thought. The internal injuries are larger and deeper than the superficial surface wound, which is in itself serious and still not completely healed. It is going to take a long time to heal fully.


When I told her about my level of physical activity pre-injury, I could tell she did not believe me and was thinking that I injured my head as well.


Then we did the physical assessment. Despite the past few months of inactivity and despite my weight, I am physically strong. I could tell she was surprised because as we were doing the assessment exercises she started to ask me specifically what type of exercises I did. The good news is that I have a lot of muscle strength, strong joints, good balance and am really flexbile, except in the affected area.


It was painful assessment. I have to start an intensive treatment program over the next couple of weeks to get motion back and blood flowing back through the muscle. I *may* possibly be able to start regular exercise after that point, albeit, I will have to take it slow.  


The better news of the day is that I have hope, for the first time in a long time, that I will return to a "normal" life again. I swear, I know, that I will never ever take my body or my life for granted again. For so long, I've mistreated it by not moving enough and by overeating and have got away with it because I am fairly active and younger. I know that life can and does change in a split second.

Do I even stand a chance?

With loosing weight.

1) I have a metabolic disorder.
2) I binge eat.
3) I have a severe injury, sustained while exercising, which has left me unable to do any exercise for the past month and will keep me from doing any for another few months.

1 and 3, I am seeking treatment for.  The disorder is slowly coming under control, from a body chemistry point of view.  It will take another year or more for my body to function as a "normal" person's would.

Bingeing, I don't have the courage to ask for help yet.  I know that I have not been able to "fix"myself but I am just too ashamed to ask for the help I know I need.  It takes a lot for me to even post about it or post about the binges, for so many years I was in denial about my behaviour to myself.

Yes, I'm whiny and crooked tonight.  I was looking forward to seeing my doctor and getting the okay to join the gym.  It's been 10 weeks.  Nope.  Apparently when you slice open a major muscle in your body it takes a lot of healing.  As in another couple of months before I can do anything besides slow and short distance walking.  This damn thing is slowing me down in life and in weight loss.

Le whine.  Le sigh.  I know, go get some sleep and try to figure out a plan of attack tomorrow.

Holy Hormonal Heck

Well, you would think by now I would both:
a) recognize the symptoms of PMS
b) be able to deal with them

Nope, every single time it's like I have to learn it all over again.  Everything.  The pain, the crookedness, the cravings.  Of course since developing hypothyroidism, there is no regularity whatsoever, this is the first one in 5 months.

As this is mainly a weight blog, I'll spare you the gory details about the rest and focus on the cravings.
The cravings.  I have a sheer inability to satiate the hunger no matter the tricks or no matter how much or what I eat.  I scare myself because I am like a woman possessed, all I can think about it getting that hit of food.  I drive around in my car thinking about where I can go, because heaven forbid I go to the same store twice and they recognize me.  I also won't go to my regular store.  

I actually am dealing with it a little better.  It's just the two days ahead now where I binge, as opposed to the full week.  And it's a carbapolloza.  Disgusting combinations of food that I eat until I can not eat anymore, things that I would not eat the rest of the time.

For example,  I went to the discount grocery store because I knew the likelihood of running into anyone I knew would be lower.  I bought those little hashbrowns, mushroom soup and some type of hard white parmeasean like cheese.  I came home and baked it all up and ate half on Friday.  That's actually an improvement because I would have eaten the whole thing once upon a time.  Of course, I also ate a bag of pretzels and ten 80 calorie bars.   You know, because they are diet!

All of that was a very deliberate act, I don't deny.  Choosing to go somewhere where I don't normally go.  Choosing to go where my peers would never go.  Choosing to buy the ingredients and make something.  All of this took me time, energy and money but I had this overwhelming craving for that combination of food.  It was all I could think for about three days prior.  Something, I've never made or eaten before.  Strange.  I'll take my cravings for milkshakes any day.

When I was halfway through, ding ding ding, crooked, weird cravings, breast pain,  TOM must be close.
So, I packed it up and went to my parents.  I could not trust myself in the house with food OR in the city being so close to so much food.

I did a little better, but gravitated towards carbs all day yesterday, just not obscene quantities.  TOM did show up this morning and the cravings are gone.  lol, replaced by chocolate ones but those I can satiate with a hot chocolate or a chocolate tea.